EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the first in a series of occasional (Just Kidding?) columns by comedic actor, host and writer Nick Cutelli that play off the craziness of life in WeHo and the rest of the world we live in. Remember that laughter has been proven (if you believe in science) to be good for your health.
Recently the City of West Hollywood has been focusing on improving traffic control along Santa Monica Boulevard and Fountain Avenue. Additional crosswalks, traffic lights and speed indicators have been installed on Santa Monica Boulevard and are planned on Fountain Avenue to help promote safe driving. Even with all these upgrades in place, recent studies and social media polls show that drivers are still suffering from road rage and traffic depression that can be linked to the 2016 presidential election. University studies show that cities with Trump buildings can have what medical experts call a “political depression radius” of around 50 miles affecting their driving population.
To help combat this “election depression” the City of West Hollywood is working with the private sector to design and develop “Trump’s Done in Office” digital countdown signs. The signs will feature a digital countdown to the second of when the President’s four-year term in office will end.
The digital lights will be made with a high end light technology so powerful that even astronauts on the international space station can see it, when they’re feeling depressed. The sign pole and frame will, ironically, be made of the same bulletproof material that cars in the president’s motorcade use.
Those materials were instantly donated by the Secret Service once they heard news of the idea. It’s said that they sent enough materials to construct 100 miles of “Trump’s Done in Office” signs. The construction process alone will create 500 to 1,000 new jobs, and experts compare this project to former President Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal initiative.
Aside from providing a count down clock, the signs will include other features. They’ll flash inspirational quotes such as “Drive safe so you can vote for a new president,” “Slow Down. Don’t drive like Trumps on the road,” and “The Plague was worse…kind of.” The signs also will suggest future candidates that you might be interested in. Currently the sign is only programmed for Democratic candidates, since it can only be programmed with three names. A Republican update in is the works to accommodate the 20 to 50 candidates that usually run for the GOP presidential nomination, but it could be some time before it is released.
Another advanced feature will be a satellite feed linked to a network that will provide drivers with a notice of the president’s impeachment, in the event that it happens. The satellite technology is based on former President Ronald Reagan’s “Star Wars” defense system, which he promoted during the Cold War.
Once word got out that the City of West Hollywood was moving forward with the project, requests for orders started pouring in, first from the surrounding areas in California, but in a matter of hours they spread international. Countries in Europe, South America and Asia quickly put in orders. It’s estimated that Mexico alone has purchased one for every ten feet of roadway that it has.
West Hollywood residents already have expressed gratitude for the signs and have been preparing for the official release day. Thanks to the high level of donations and support for the release, West Hollywood residents have been able to rent out the ball drop that is used on New Years Eve in New York City’s Times Square to celebrate the signs. The fact that the ball drop is used more than once in a calendar year will go down in history. Experts say that it’s going to be a bigger celebration than when the United States celebrated the end of World War II.
As for the next phase, private sector businesses have announced several spin off developments from the “Trump’s Done in Office” signs. They weren’t able to go into details, but they did imply there would be phone apps, drones, text alerts and even professional actors dressed as the president holding up countdown clocks.
So be ready for a less stressful commute along Santa Monica Boulevard and Fountain Avenue in this new year as each day gets us one day closer to our president making his exit. Before that day arrives, remember that time flies when you’re driving safe.